A dollar, a penny and some consciousness

“A penny for your thoughts?“

“No thank you, I’d rather have a dollar with all the inflation going around right now. Now, a penny for my thoughts and dollar for a fair deal would make me open up more likely.“

As with all my writings, the urge to write down only appears in situations that affect me greatly. Let’s get to it then. You are probably wondering, like any sane person would do at 2 am, is life difficult?

Although I won’t be able to hear you answer, I presume it is a resounding yes. Indeed, it most probably is for each and every one of us. No matter how much we fight against it, we will find ourselves in situations that will break our resolve. Unfortunately, we don’t really have a say in the matter, cycles are the gods of the world we live in, its very foundation, that makes it go tick tick. It creates us, breaks us, molds us, while showing little to no mercy. Now then, how fearless one must be to just go on living, what kind of heart does one need to survive in a place where the only constant is change? How many experiences do we have to endure, just so we can keep our feet moving day after day? Honestly now, if we stop for a moment from the crazy dizziness that keeps us terribly “busy”, which is very akin in some regard to holding our hands over our eyes, I think it would be easy to glimpse at the immense suffering going around.

We could say that life is a ride, in which we all take different roads, one where we are trying our best to keep on going, no matter what. Moreover, it is also scary and unbearable, that being the reason as to why a lot of us lose it all, even our beautiful mind. Also, I believe there’s no one to blame for the condition we find ourselves, hence we all suffer from the heaviness of consciousness, which is an unfair burden, one that we never asked for.

That’s enough for tonight. I’m not going to keep on rambling about unfairness and heavy burdens until early morning. We’re all accustomed to them anyhow. I will not stop looking for answers, the kind of answers that can relieve some of the burden. Answers that might give us clues, and answers that will solve it all (madness). Yet, for now I must say that I am out of luck. I’ll find them in another day, or tomorrow, or maybe never…?

Now, towards the ending I wonder if the veil of smoke, the illusion that “we are”, “life”, can even offer such answers? How can an illusion understand what true nature is like, without becoming reality in the process? I said earlier that we are searching for answers and reasons. Although it’s what I am searching for, they will not bring true relief. It will not make things “fair”.

There is but one escape from the veil of smoke and that is to utterly understand that, for the time being, all our experiences are just smoke and mirrors. And then, maybe one day acceptance will hit us in the face. We come and go, the world does too, oh what a great veil of smoke. So, there is nothing, to, hold, on.

And that might be okay.

A glimpse at the original circle and its prisoners

Lie down for a bit and be careful, for if you are oblivious, you might just find a circle which dictates to

“Wake up! Let’s go or we will miss it!” says the voice. You slowly open your eyelids and find yourself in the corner of a saloon with a person holding his hand out for grabs.

“What? Where am I?” You then catch a glimpse of the saloon you’re in, which is mostly empty, apart from the center, where immediately you notice a long and beautiful wood table, with plenty of people. There seems to be some kind of celebration going on. You ask again “Where am I?”.

“Everyone’s here and we are about to start the festivity! Come on!” says the guy in front of you. Although nothing makes sense, you grab his hand while still wondering how you ended up in this weird place with all these people. “My name is Mondy, what’s yours?” he asks. “My name?”.

You both head for the table. “Finally. Let’s sit, look there’s two empty seats!”. You take your seat reluctantly and feel anxious about this whole setting. Feeling dizzy you ask again “Where am I?” but there’s no answer. You look at Mondy, but he seems to be looking for entertainment elsewhere already, starting a conversation with someone at the other side. On the table there’s a real treat, a banquet that seems very surreal, the one that can usually be seen only in movies. You take another peek at your surroundings, looking for a door but there doesn’t seem to be one. Instead, you notice only some large windows on every single wall. You look at the windows, it is dark outside with flashes of white light. Inside, lit candles give a very unnatural and uncomfortable vibe to this whole setting.

Suddenly everyone starts eating. Mondy asks you to do the same “It’s good, let’s eat!”. Feeling hungry, you take food as your heart desires from the banquet, place it on your plate and you start eating slowly. After a while, you start paying attention to the conversations going around you “This food great! Who made it?” asks a person that seems to be the youngest. “We always find on the table, every single day! It really tastes great, doesn’t it?”. Another person joins in on the conversation and says, “I’m sure it doesn’t appear from thin air, the owner of this saloon makes it for us every single day!”. After a while, you ask Mondy to show you the way out. He points at another person at the table “Go ask Weend, he knows how to get out”. Weend seems to be less festive looking compared to the others.

While you take a few seconds to conjure the courage to ask Weend about the exit, the ground starts to shake. The lightning which you see outside seems to be intensifying, yet no one is bothered by it. Everyone keeps on eating and striking conversations, even though the shaky ground should normally be a cause of alarm or at least raise some eyebrows. Finally, you face Weend and ask him bluntly “Excuse me Weend, how can I leave this place? Where is the exit?”. Weend seems to be judging you with his eyes and says,

“But we’re having so much fun, why would you want to leave?”

“I had enough food, I’m grateful but I’d like to go home now. I’m feeling like an intruder, and honestly I don’t know where I am, nor how I ended up in here” you say.

“Don’t ruin the party, stay here. We will leave later anyway” says Weend. Meanwhile, the light from outside keeps intensifying, and now you can also hear an obnoxiously loud sound with every flash of lightning, which you assume to be thunder. Something is not right here! Nevertheless, people still aren’t disturbed, quite contrary even, they keep on eating and striking conversations. You decide to get up from the table and head for one of the windows to look outside. Outside the window nothing can be distinguished, only pure and complete darkness with flashes of lighting. Suddenly, the light blinds your sight, and the act closes.

“Wake up! Let’s go or we will miss it!”.

These are the humble beginnings of the 11^th.  A circle. A question unanswered? All else that follows might be the result.

Scared for now

Scared. Why am I so scared?

WE will start this journey with her main goal, which was to instil education, since I was little. “Go now, be the very best!” Do not dare to forget the main ingredients for that recipe: stress, homework and abuse by bullies. “Oh, what a recipe!” And was there any real reason for it all? “It’s for your future!“. Well, what an abstract thought that is, and definitely not one I believed. Some people just need a little bit more. Most importantly, they do need to know what it is all for. But I didn’t get my reason, instead only expectations to be at the best at that awful, stupid, ignorant game.

“Goddamn!” I was good, I was good indeed. Tears and struggle, effort and being pushed, worked out just perfectly. For a short amount of time, I was at the top. “Look at that shining star and be awed dear reader, because indeed it burned before its time!“

Without any reason given, with the curse of time, eroding trust and affection, is there anything that remains untouched, I must ask? Other then, falling down in a beautiful spiral from the artificial altar I was on? Doomed, with so little time…

I do admit, her intentions weren’t bad. They were most probably selfish, which is why, I must ask you again in good faith, does not knowing absolves someone from blame? She did what she could, with what she had, based on where she was at, and that wasn’t enough, but it was probably all she could give and muster.

The game took its toll, but I managed to get up, and in time look again at the bizarre playground. While this burden may and might be easy for some, it surely wasn’t in my case. I must tell, it felt heavy and unfair, but I kept going, steps and steps. I got up and down, up and down, when finally one day I saved myself from a nightmare spiral.

I may not be adapted as others for life, yet in all these years that I struggled, I understood and learnt how to play the game. “If only I wasn’t scared to fail and still troubled by demons from the past“. It’s not easy to live without attuned instruments, nor instructions on how to use them. But I am trying, and that’s all I can do at this very moment.

It might be a bit late to join on the real game when I do so, but can that truly be a sin when it’s just a game?

Still scared but that’s okay.

And, so was she.

Traveler…

I hope this message meets you in good tidings! It’s been a crazy year for everyone and if one thing is for sure, it’s that we will never forget it.

A lot of things changed. It’s been five years since I last wrote and because I haven’t written a piece for so long I’m confused about what I want this blog to be about. That’s why, for now I will treat it as journal. Maybe if I have time and I don’t get distracted, I will delve into subjects which could be of interest.

There are some thoughts that cross my mind and I want to wrap them in here. First, I find myself wondering if one changes with the passage of time? Funny enough, If you would’ve asked me 5 years ago, I would’ve said no. Now I’m not that sure anymore. When I think about all the new experiences I had, all the ideas encountered and my actions, the answer tends to be a different one.

In a way, I don’t think we even have a choice. That’s because living means movement. Living means action(we have time to thank for that). Yes, there’s the option to not participate in this process. We can try to sit tight in a shell or a corner and let go of whatever happens outside of our safe space, but even this action(the pun) will have implications and influence us in the long run. For example, the act of hiding from the outside world will still mold and change a person, probably just as much as the act of waking up every day and confronting the bull head on, changes another. You will be a different person no matter the action, even while hiding inside your shell. Your world will be different and you will act accordingly.

Now, based on your previous actions, you will reap what you sow. The one that rages and fights against movement, against change, will find himself in quite the trouble. Don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with the “right” way to live. I don’t believe in fairy tales nor religion(the tautology is on purpose). No, nothing as petty as that. I understand the basic drive that makes a person hold onto feelings. things, places, memories, etc. We all crave for stability and order in our lives. Unrelentless effort, building walls upon walls, just to save our vulnerable psyche from a weird reality. Why are we doing that? What is so scary about reality?

The problem arises from the simple fact that we’re holding onto nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Better said, we are trying to grasp and hold sand castles. It just isn’t natural. No matter what, nothing will ever be certain and everything is in a constant change. Therefore trying to fight against the natural state of thing will be futile. You can’t stop the “game”, you can’t stop life from happening. In a way, it’s one the deepest sorrows and irony. And as if that wasn’t enough, like it or not, we have to reconcile with this idea.

The ways to do so are countless, yet I think the best one is to go with the stream and never hold any resistance. Acceptance will be bliss. A foundation on reality will be much more stable than one made on some illusion, no matter how ironic and absurd that may be… hence reality is nothing but stable.

A walk without destination…

I think the most beautiful walks you could ever take are the ones without a clear destination. Bonus points if you get lost.Then it becomes an real adventure! Now think about life. Isn’t it similar to a random walking. You don’t know where you’re going but you keep on moving until the very end.
Why are there so many of us searching for meaning in life? Why can’t we just enjoy it without looking at every little corner for something that probably isn’t there? What if it doesn’t have a meaning just because it’s much more enjoyable? Just as our lovely walk without a destination life is more enjoyable without a goal!

What a scary notion for us, humans! Living without a goal, not knowing what we want. So uncertain, so contingent!

But what do you suppose it will happen if we manage to take off the black veil and accept life for what it really is? I think the way we see life will change. Everyone would be a wanderer. We would understand that there are thousands of paths one could choose from. We wouldn’t take everything so serious…after all it’s just a walk and everybody comes back home sooner or later.
Try to change. Try to view the big picture. Keep on walking my friends!

Here comes life! Heey, wait a sec!

You woke up one day and found yourself thrown on a random planet called earth! What can you do..? It wasn’t your decision! It just happened!
If you’re lucky, you get to live in a place where you can focus on more relevant issues than food and shelter. The unlucky ones are stuck in a vicious circle. Every day they have to work hard just to survive. If they don’t, they will get hungry and cold. Discomfort and pain, every single day! That’s not fair. It shouldn’t be like that in the modern age! Wouldn’t be fair to make this journey, which we never sign for, comfortable for everyone who’s thrown in here?

Change can’t start from the unlucky ones. How could it when they need to work all day just to eat? We, the “lucky” ones, the ones that never need to worry about such commodities, have to do it! We have to think for a moment. Each of us are living beings. Each of us is human. With a bit of empathy it’s possible to see beyond illusions, to see what is truly important.

Nobody chose to be born. We’ve all been taken for a ride without our consent. Now as good guests and with all the knowledge we accumulated over the centuries, it’s possible to make this ride as pleasant as possible. Shouldn’t that be our most important goal as a race?!

For some reason, we chose something different. We chose to ignore what’s truly important and run after illusions. Our ego can be thanked for that. We believe it’s us against the world. Some of us want power. Some of us can’t accept the bigger picture. Some of us are controlled by the media which tells us to consume, consume, consume, new, new, new. Millions of illusions blind us!

I wonder how much longer can the illusions last? Will we destroy ourselves due to them? Or finally progress as a whole? Here’s an interesting thought:
We became conscious from unconscious when we were born. One day we will die and become once again unconscious. If you look closely, you can see resurrection everywhere, a flower, a tree, an animal, nature works in cycles. What if you’ll reborn(turn from unconscious into conscious again) as one of the unlucky ones next time? Wouldn’t it be best for all of us to transcend this deplorable state? 🙂

night walk

Try it once and fall in love forever.

Aniɣu

“Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness.”
― Poppy Z. Brite

View original post

I’d choose night over day every single time!

You’re on your way home, very tired and sleepy. Just another day at work or school and now you just can’t wait to get home and throw yourself on that cozy bed of yours!

But wait! If you’re like me, you probably can’t. As soon as you arrive home and it’s getting late, guess what? You start feeling energized! You start to feel good, euphoric even! All sorts of thoughts hit you! Maybe you should paint your walls in purple. Maybe you should take a long bath and meditate. Or maybe you feel like painting, reading. Anything really, as long as it’s not sleep. And how could you sleep while there’s so much to be done and it’s feeling so great.

You feel the tiredness but it’s in the background. The euphoric feeling is the main attraction, like a stain on the background. Just like when two main colors mix to become another one, the energy/good vibe plus tiredness makes everything better!
That’s not all. During the night you can be at peace. You’re alone with yourself and your thoughts. It makes you feel in control! Everyone else is asleep, but not you. Isn’t that powerful? I doubt there’s anything that can make you feel more in control than the feeling that you’re the last man standing!

I think nights are like bath for the soul if you know how to use them!. Have the courage to go out for a walk in the middle of the night. And you’ll fall in love!

But like any coin, it has two sides. Waking up early in the morning is almost impossible.  It’s a small price to pay for being able to be yourself, create for yourself, and enjoy life.

All you night owls around here! I salute you! Keep on going! The enemy is strong. He wants us to believe that the night is for sleep and the day for chores! He is stealing what is ours by right and wants to replace it with something unworthy! Don’t give up!  Embrace the night and never leave her again!