Scared for now

Scared. Why am I so scared?

WE will start this journey with her main goal, which was to instil education, since I was little. “Go now, be the very best!” Do not dare to forget the main ingredients for that recipe: stress, homework and abuse by bullies. “Oh, what a recipe!” And was there any real reason for it all? “It’s for your future!“. Well, what an abstract thought that is, and definitely not one I believed. Some people just need a little bit more. Most importantly, they do need to know what it is all for. But I didn’t get my reason, instead only expectations to be at the best at that awful, stupid, ignorant game.

“Goddamn!” I was good, I was good indeed. Tears and struggle, effort and being pushed, worked out just perfectly. For a short amount of time, I was at the top. “Look at that shining star and be awed dear reader, because indeed it burned before its time!“

Without any reason given, with the curse of time, eroding trust and affection, is there anything that remains untouched, I must ask? Other then, falling down in a beautiful spiral from the artificial altar I was on? Doomed, with so little time…

I do admit, her intentions weren’t bad. They were most probably selfish, which is why, I must ask you again in good faith, does not knowing absolves someone from blame? She did what she could, with what she had, based on where she was at, and that wasn’t enough, but it was probably all she could give and muster.

The game took its toll, but I managed to get up, and in time look again at the bizarre playground. While this burden may and might be easy for some, it surely wasn’t in my case. I must tell, it felt heavy and unfair, but I kept going, steps and steps. I got up and down, up and down, when finally one day I saved myself from a nightmare spiral.

I may not be adapted as others for life, yet in all these years that I struggled, I understood and learnt how to play the game. “If only I wasn’t scared to fail and still troubled by demons from the past“. It’s not easy to live without attuned instruments, nor instructions on how to use them. But I am trying, and that’s all I can do at this very moment.

It might be a bit late to join on the real game when I do so, but can that truly be a sin when it’s just a game?

Still scared but that’s okay.

And, so was she.